pleasure in pain.
for the first time in my existence, I can take pleasure in the pain.
I am a person with a poor pain tolerance. When I only stubbed my toe on a small stone, it made me wince in pain already. Even I was in excruciating pain for about four days after my shoulder collided with the wall due to my poor vision on my way. Well, there aren’t many people that are aware of this. They don’t need to know, either, because there’s no good thing to be made about this. Of course, I’ll just be regarded as a spoiled brat instead.
It’s not simply physical injuries that test my pain tolerance. However, it is equally important to consider the mental and emotional aspects of the situation. Most people, I believe, are unaware of this. It seemed unthinkable that something like this could happen to someone like me, who was always laid-back and goofy.
For grief or mental illness, I guess I can cover it well. If I hid it, I kept it nice so no one would notice. However, I am unable to conceal bodily injuries.
But something incredible happened today. For the first time in my life, I found pleasure in pain. I’m not sure how this can be fantastic to me. Because it became something I was looking forward to, something that I want. The fact that I can take the pleasure in pain.
This afternoon, I cut my finger accidently with a knife. I was taken aback, to say the least. My reaction was complete quiet when I saw the almost 2-centimeter-long cut on my thumb. I couldn’t take my eyes away from the wound. Observing the drop-by-drop flow of my blood. The torrent of blood that continued to ooze out of the cut was obliterating my vision. It’s there. The pain was there, and I felt that clearly. Well, although I was aware of the discomfort, I was able to enjoy it.
I stayed silent for a quite long time, staring at the wound. It had been a long time because I could now see that the blood flow had extended over my wrist and nearly to a quarter of my forearm. Until the thought occurred to me, “a wound like this won’t cause me to bleed to death, right?” which prompted me to sprint a little to wipe up the blood that was still running.
Now I’m thinking, if I can only start to love my pain, I’ll be able to do the thing that I’ve always wanted to do then. The one thing I truly wanted to do but couldn’t because of the pain, because I can’t stand the pain. It’s something I’ve wanted to get done for so long that I’ve spent countless hours searching for a painless way to do it. Maybe now I’ll be able to give it a shot?
